Have We Forgotten to First Love Ourselves?

                                           “To some people, love doesn’t exist until you acknowledge it in front of other people.” (Valentine 2010) 

February might be a short month but for some people, it feels a lot longer. Everywhere they go, they’re constantly plagued by giant red hearts with not so subtle messages implying that you can only succeed and be happy in life if you’ve found your true love. Why is Valentine’s Day is a day that is supposed to define our successes or failures in love? Do we really believe that if we haven’t found our ‘soulmate’, we can never be happy? And if you decide to do something nice for yourself as a single person, you often get the ‘sympathy’ nod or ‘hang in there!’ voice of support. Have we really forgotten how to take care of ourselves?

Given how isolating the pandemic has been for most people, Valentine’s Day is not just a reminder to love those in our lives, but also to love ourselves. The last two years have tested nearly everyone in some way, and for most, their natural healthy resources for dealing with difficult times, were taken from them – no socialising, no gym, at times we couldn’t even see our families, no holidays or travelling, schools and colleges closed, working from home… the list goes on. Unhealthy habits became a last resort to help us get through things in the hopes that it wouldn’t be for very long. Nearly two years later, we’re still unsure of exactly where we stand although there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel.  

The last two years have shown people that while we need to mind each other and take care of those we love, it has also taught us that we need to improve our self-care and self-love, especially when services and resources are greatly impacted and restricted. So this Valentine’s Day, rather than being upset or depressed that you feel you haven’t found the love of your life, try focusing on finding some balance and contentment with your own life and taking better care of yourself.  

Self-Care and Self-Love, What’s the Difference? 

Self-care focuses on our actions whereas self-love focuses on our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It can often help to combine the two and take a more compassionate look at your situation. Rather than pushing yourself into a new ‘healthy diet’, why not ask how you can nourish your body, mind and soul. This is a more mindful approach and allows you to be more reflective of what you are giving yourself rather than imagining a drill sergeant denying you what you want, and making you feel guilty if you don’t reach your daily goals. Sometimes that drill sergeant comes in handy but sometimes they should only be around on a part-time basis. If you feel you need some comfort food, then ask what would best nourish you and whether you can allow yourself to make that choice without the guilt. Come to a compromise if necessary. 

It’s The Little Things

Ask yourself what places or locations make you feel content and happy (sometimes it helps to remember the places you went to as a child) and make time to go visit them. If you don’t know of any places, then now is as good a time as any to start exploring and see what new locations bring you a sense of peace and happiness. For some, it might be castles and markets and for others, a busy city with lots to see and do. Check-in with your mood to see what kind of location fits your needs – do you need to go somewhere quiet and relaxing, or exciting and adventurous? Learn to listen to your gut, it will tell you what you need if you let it. Explore where your heart wants to go and keep exploring. 

Escape For a While

If you feel like you’re running on fumes, then find some time to recharge. If you don’t make time for yourself and your mental health, no one else will. Escaping for a little while doesn’t have to be an exotic holiday, it can be a book, a movie, a favourite playlist, the gym – whatever makes you feel like you can switch off and escape into a different world for just a little while. Avoid going down the rabbit hole of your phone or computer if at all possible. Make the time you put aside for yourself count. Make a little extra effort for yourself – light a scented candle while your read or watch a movie, change your sheets or buy new ones for yourself, book a massage and stop making excuses or putting it off for another day – do something just for you that allows a sense of escape. 

Friends

Catch up with friends but make sure it’s a balanced catch-up – everyone needs to have their moment to share as well as listen. If you feel particularly vulnerable and lonely during Valentine’s Day, then why not arrange an evening with some of your friends and make it a themed evening that actually suits you, not Hallmark. If you feel like cooking, invite some friends over for dinner and if not, why not ask everyone to prepare one dish each and share it all together. If you need to have a rant or vent your frustrations it can help to let your friends know that you need exactly that – half an hour or an hour where you just get it all off your chest and let them know what you need at the end; do you need solutions, a hug, some moral support? Guide your friends on what you need before you start the conversation and encourage them to do the same.

Future Goals and Dreams

If Valentine’s Day and being single gets you pondering the ‘what if’s’ which can often induce a sense of guilt or regret, try grounding yourself by remembering that you need to trust the choices you made and while things might feel different now, you made those choices for a reason.  

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to believe in yourself so this Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing on someone else, why not focus on yourself and challenge any (negative) views you have so self-criticism has a better chance at becoming self-love.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” – Oscar Wilde