When Someone You Love Comes Out To You

In a world where we’re still learning to be more tolerant, more patient and more understanding of a person’s journey, it can still be a little surprising when someone you love or care about comes out to you. While it’s an incredible honour that they trust you to be able to share this part of who they are and invite you to be a part of their journey, it can mean a shift in your relationship and for some people, that shift might be unexpected or lead to huge changes that impact their lives too. Not everyone knows what to do or say when someone comes out to them and not everyone understands their feelings around it. For most, it is a friend or family member who is inviting you into their ‘new’ world, but for some, it is their partner and this is where conflicting emotions can often feel overwhelming and confusing.

You may have had suspicions, you may have even questioned some experiences along the way, but until the conversation actually happens, it always remained a safe internal curiosity.

So what happens once the conversation begins?

‘I Feel Deeply Honoured…But Confused… And Even a Little Betrayed…’

How can you feel honoured and confused or betrayed at the same time? Someone you know and love has shared a part of themselves that they’ve kept hidden for quite some time. There can be a wonderful sense of honour that they trusted you with this and feel safe sharing a part of themselves that they’ve likely kept hidden from most of the world. And yet you might think that this person you’ve known and loved is also telling you that they are not exactly who you believed them to be. The sense of confusion and betrayal can be around feeling deceived, wondering what else they may have kept hidden from you. The truth is, we often focus on our own insecurities in moments like this rather than on the situation and the person coming to us. Questions start forming quicker than we can find answers to and can leave us feeling completely disoriented and overwhelmed. Take a moment and just breathe – remember that this is not about you even though it impacts you just the same.

How To Have a Meaningful Discussion About What You Feel…

If you feel overwhelmed and your heart is racing, then give yourself time to come back to yourself in a grounded and calm capacity otherwise it is likely to be an unproductive discussion. Once you feel more calm and settled, sit together and take your time. Ask questions that are focused on the other person’s experiences rather than on your own reactions so instead of challenging them about why they didn’t tell you sooner, perhaps ask them what it has been like for them to hold this ‘secret’ for as long as they did. We often worry that questions can be intrusive but the truth is, the more we ask the more the other person knows we want to understand. Keep the questions open-ended and try to listen genuinely to the other person. This is also about your experience in this so if you have worries or concerns about how it might change your relationship, then ask those questions and explore them together.

The Importance Of Being Honest, Even If It Hurts…

You may hear some truths that are hard to hear at first, especially if it is a partner coming out to you so be kind to yourself and if you need a few moments to steady and ground yourself then take a few moments. Rather than deny what you’re feeling, or lash out, try to name it – ‘this is really painful to hear right now and I’m not sure where to go with this…’ If you find that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a break. Try not to let fear or confusion take over the conversation. Discussions between partners are difficult and will take time and courage from both of you so try to remember that you are doing this to allow your relationship to evolve to a more honest and respectful place. It takes a brave person to sit in uncertainty and allow changes to happen, especially when it may not be what they had planned.

Sometimes A Little Help Can Go a Long Way…

Coming out to a partner is a complex experience with many layers to it, so take your time. Both of you will need to listen and hear each other and allow enough time for things to integrate and settle before making any big decisions regarding your relationship or how you’d like it to evolve and move forward. If at any point you feel stuck or unsure of what to do with your feelings, consider getting some support from a therapist or counsellor who has experience in this particular area. It can help to have that space to explore all your fears and emotions without worrying about judgement or hurting the other person’s feelings. Couples counselling can also help you both to explore the changing dynamics within the relationship and how you can both adapt to these changes without feeling overwhelmed all the time. Again, it is important to seek support from a qualified person who focuses on this particular area. If at any point, the therapeutic relationship does not feel like the right fit for either or both of you, then shop around until you find someone you feel safe enough to work with.

Taking care of your emotional and mental well-being needs to be a top priority if you want this to be a healing experience. The most important message to take away is to support each other, be brave and be kind.